A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
