I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
