well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
The convent might be a nice break from real life
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
