Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
