I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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