I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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