don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
