I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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