I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
