Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
