Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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