True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
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