toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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