You just made me feel so damn special
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
