the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
