god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
