I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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