May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
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