Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
