He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
