Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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