im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
