I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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