Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
