dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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