if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
