your room smells of hookers.
And success
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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