I just made out with a guy for $7.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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