Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
