im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
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