Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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