i'm lost and i look like a hooker
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
