i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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