did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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