isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
