A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
