I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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