tell your sister to shave her snatch
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
