he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
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