Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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