I'm lost and stupid without you.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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