So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
So squirting runs in the family.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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