now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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