Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
