My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
