She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
