theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
