you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
