Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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