So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i just had sex bonerless
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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