question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
