Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
