oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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