dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
