At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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