proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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