I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
