at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
