I wish I could teleport
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Randomize
