Jerry, you need to find god
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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