did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
