So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Randomize
