I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
